I am behind on everything right now it seems.
Friday night I was going out to go see my dad. I wasn’t feeling very well at all so I decided to skip going in the event I was coming down with something. The last thing I want to do is be responsible for getting a bunch of people sick in a nursing home.
Saturday I felt OK, but not great. I visited my moms graveside that morning. I was really tired most of the day and did end up going to the gym. I had a great workout but I was spent afterwards. It was bad enough that when I got back to the house I just sat in my truck for a while… too tired to even get out and walk into the house. I finally did go in, took a nap then went out to my club meeting for a bit.
Sunday I was spent again… I know this is exhaustion. It has to be. I had to hit up the grocery store… I ran out of food last week and I emptied most of the fridge and all of the freezer of everything expired. Chilled out most of that day too. Cleaned up a little… had a plumber coming over Monday to fix some stuff I couldn’t.
Monday… hectic day. I again, was tired. Elizabeth and Madeline came over that morning…brought me some breakfast which was nice. I had called her because I needed to leave the house to pick up some parts for the sink while the plumber was there… didn’t want to pay for a second visit etc. I was going to head out to see my dad but ended up feeling so spent again and out of it. I spent most of the day either cleaning, sleeping or having little panic attacks… again… I am exhausted.
I need to get up to see my dad. I don’t think I am sick or anything so I am not worried about that. I just need to get up and go do it. I’m taking so much on right now… I can feel the crash coming once I don’t have to be responsible for everything.
I went to Genghis Grill for the first time ever Tuesday night. I was invited by Elizabeth to join her and Madeline and then later found out her brother Long and his wife Meredith were joining as well. It was good stuff I tell you. I pretty much was clueless what I was making but I put stuff together that looked good and I figured I could handle eating. I was not disappointed at all! I highly recommend it if you have never been before.
My mood has been all over the place lately. Partially because I am so tired all the time. The worry and stress I am under I think are getting to me a bit. I know eventually everything will work itself out the way it needs to.
It just feels like once I have one fight handled another fight pops up. By fight I mean paperwork, endless calls to get simple tasks cared for etc. It gets overwhelming from time to time. It bugs me.
I think, once everything settles down a bit, I am going to go ahead and finish up my college degree. I am probably a year or less from having it wrapped up. I may even look at online courses…not sure yet. My degree is in business administration. I like that, but I think I want to extend myself some. I want to look into getting another degree in marketing. I love what I do for a job… but is it the job that I can call a career or will help me get to retirement? I don’t know.
I’m 40 now…I should have been thinking about this stuff a long time ago. Sure… I am in a place right now that I would not have imagined a few years ago. Debt free, paid off house and money goes into savings every month… but I want more to go in there. Reality check is that I don’t want to work until the day I pass away like my mom did. I think she would have liked to not have to be attached to a schedule all the time and I wish I could have given her that chance. Now…I will work to give that chance to me.
I went to see my dad on Friday night after I got off work. Since there are no phones in his room I had him use my cell and we called one of his best friends of over 40 years and also his brother. I know they both care about my dad and my dad seemed really happy to hear their voices. I think it overwhelmed him a little bit and frustrated him in some small way. I can’t begin to imagine what is all going through his mind with everything that is going on.
I asked him a couple of times if he was maybe changing his mind about the dialysis and he said “maybe” a few times. As I was getting ready to leave he told me he didn’t want to do it. So who knows what he will change his mind to from one day to the next. I still have to respect his choices even if I don’t like the choice.
A fight broke out between a couple of people at the nursing home while I was there. It was crazy! I think it could have been over a remote control for the TV. Old people fighting for the TV remote is no joke in that place!
Aside from that… I hit the gym this weekend, had dinner with some friends on Saturday night, coffee with an old friend I haven’t seen in a long time on Sunday morning and dinner at Elizabeth and Madeline’s Sunday night. It was nice to be around people. I am absolutely worn out right now though. For some reason I just can’t seem to get enough sleep. Could it be I am coming down with something? Could I be stressed so much I am not getting enough rest? Could depression be setting in? Only time will tell.
I’ve found myself doing some old habits lately. Last night I was driving home and it started to sleet and then some HUGE snow flakes started coming down… I, almost by habit, started to call my mom to tell her about it… then stopped myself knowing I couldn’t do that. I started to do the same thing when Adele was singing during the Grammy’s. I know in time my instinct to do that will fade… but I guess I still have a hard time accepting that my mom is gone.
I sound like a broken record… sorry.
Anyway… New week… gonna try to clean up the house some (since I ignored doing it this weekend) and maybe try to rest up some more.